I missed yesterday’s SOL because by the time we reached home after school and Toddler sing-a-long, I was full-out ill. I was able to heat up E’s dinner, then watched him eat, played a moment, read one book and whisked him off to bed. I was a few moments behind.
The sleep cure seemed to have healed me enough to go to school today, but I was reminded how much of this single mom life I’m responsible for. Yes, I have a dear friend who lives a mile away and who means it when she says she will bring anything by for us. It was funny, but when I finally admitted to myself that I wasn’t feeling well, I wanted to talk to my mother. She is in Kentucky. What is she going to do?! So, I did what I imagined she’d suggest I do: go to bed and try to sleep it off.
During these moments when I’m not feeling myself, I worry: what if something happens to me? Will someone know to look for E? Last night, I willed myself through preparing his dinner and bedtime. I just had to do it. And yes, this is my responsibility that I love and have accepted willingly, but when my body reminds me that it is, indeed, a human body, I am waylaid.
It’s also times like this one that make me think that maybe it’s not so great to be so far from home. I’m not suggesting my own family is some big prize, because we have our own sturm und drang, but it is own own and there are lots of us, ranging from my mother, to my sisters, to my nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles.
I feel alone during these times. I know I have a village of wonderful friends and supporters, but, still, alone.
I was sad I missed my SOL streak. That I could not muster the energy to write it, I realize, attests to how out of commission I was. I think I woke up in the middle of the night and was disappointed that I’d not been able to write.
But, today is a different day.
Now, though, I am well enough, to be grateful for today, to be reminded that I am healthy enough to fend off illness, particularly when I have more and more friends who are struggling on that front.
The upshot: it’s Friday, Friday, Friday.
Grace is greater than guilt. I will grant myself as much as I need to make it through today.